Do I trust me?

January 23, 2015 by fabienne 2 Comments

You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices
-Don Miguel Ruiz

As many of you know, last year I forged bravely into the wilds of interwebs dating, charting a path towards True Love or, at least, collecting great fodder for a one-woman show. I like to think that I accomplished–am accomplishing, both. I connected with a whole range of men who I probably would not have met otherwise. And I went on many dates, dates that proved to be a ruthlessly effective exercise in learning what I want–both in a partner and in how we relate to each other–and then acting on it.

Allow me to share a few brief anecdotes and the resulting lessons:

After reviewing my online profile, one prospect emailed announcing that he was “A REAL MAN!!!” and that we needed to meet right away because we were clearly on the same page.
Lesson (well, reminder really): Any guy who feels the need to declare–in capital letters, no less–that he is a real man is destined to make some woman very happy…and I will happily step aside so that he can find her.

The next prospect, I’ll call the fisherman. The fisherman brimmed with excitement because the web site rated us very compatible. “Ninety-seven,” he crowed, “that’s a record high score!” Charmed by his enthusiasm and willingness to be delighted, I met him for dinner. And had a fun time chatting and laughing–all the while politely refusing his efforts to get me to match the (increasingly alarming) pace at which he was consuming cocktails, and then wine, and then cognac.
Lesson: Spending all of my leisure time with the sort of people who walk around barefoot and treat chairs like miniature jungle gyms has reshaped the party navigation skills that I learned in college, and I’m glad of it. As much as I enjoy savoring a good glass of wine (or, full disclosure, occasional entire bottle of champagne) together, my real thrill comes from being present to each other, as fully present as possible. So, my first date with the fisherman was also my last.

Another prospect reached out with a thoroughly charming email. Warm and witty, it was precisely the sort of message you dream of receiving when you sign up for online dating. You know, the kind that Hugh Jackman’s character’s sister would write to you on his behalf in the rom-com of your life. Then you’d meet and, disarmed by his devastating grin, you’d instantly forgive him for the charade and then proceed to fall totally, madly, deeply for him. And he’d be so pleased that his sister had ignored his protests and pushed him to get back out there that he’d sweep you up into his arms as the two of you stood at the end of the pier watching the sunset…
Wait, where was I?
Oh, yes, the emailer: I checked out his profile, liked what I saw and agreed to meet him in person. When we finally got together for brunch, he turned out to be very nice–and at least 15 years older than the man in his profile picture. This one sparked all sorts of interesting debate among my friends. The vocal majority declared it a serious red-flag, creep alert. A few thought that it didn’t matter at all. And I fell somewhere in the middle. More than anything I was curious: was he intentionally dishonest? Or did that picture truly represent how he saw himself, was it accurate in his mind’s eye? Always happy to follow my curiosity, I went out with him a few more times and eventually deduced that it was the latter. His sense of self and way of moving through the world were caught up in who he had been fifteen years ago.
Lesson: Accurate self-assessment is as essential in dating as it is in Acro. I want a partner with a clear sense of who he is and an active curiosity about who he is becoming. And after spending enough time with the emailer to satisfy my curiosity about him, I was ready to move on.

Then there was the dashing entrepreneur-endurance athlete-alpinist. Smart, thoughtful, outdoorsy, funny, and crazy handsome, this was the guy who I would have ordered from a catalog. We fell quickly into mutual fascination, he as intrigued by my amateur circus-yogini-energy worker thing as I was by his feats of derring-do. The problem, though, was that as much as we appreciated each other’s passions, they were always pulling us in different directions. Whenever I had a free weekend, I was off to a retreat or a training camp. And whenever he had free time, he was off to Patagonia to scale a glacier–or whatever you do on a glacier, I have no idea! So we spoke intensely but infrequently and saw each other even less frequently.
Lesson (and my soon to be TM’d theory of relationships): The Venn Diagram matters. Yes, I want a partner who has passions, interests, and hobbies of his own. AND, I want a partner whose passions overlap mine enough that we have some shared instincts about to spend our time. I envision the Venn Diagram of our passions looking very much like the MasterCard logo–a nice slice of overlap in the middle with lots of space left over for mutual learning and expansion. So, after a few months of occasional phone calls and whirlwind weekends, I released him back into his beloved wilderness.

All of which brings me to Don Miguel Ruiz’s beautiful words. This process has been all about deepening my understanding of what works for me–what feels good to me–of sampling, engaging, learning, and then choosing accordingly. And I believe that part of why I was able to have fun on even the most hopeless date was the fact that I kept sight of that. While I certainly wanted each of them to be a good fit, to be “Right,” I didn’t need any of them to be right because I was holding that space for myself. Confident in my own ability to discern what felt best for me, I didn’t take any of the “bad” dates personally. I laughed uproariously about some of them with girlfriends and occasionally posted barbed comments on facebook for general amusement, but each experience was part of the ongoing journey of discovery.

So, I ask you, where is life giving you the opportunity to explore new choices these days? And are you willing to trust your Self enough to decide?