What do I want a man for…?

That question floated across my mind as I lay in the pre-dawn darkness this morning. It’s a provocative question, I know, one that is usually flung with scorn rather than truly asked. But this morning I was really asking. Reflecting on last week’s post and other recent dating adventures, I noticed that I was thinking about the things that the men in my world haven’t done, are not, and likely won’t be. Mindful of my point of attraction and the fact that we get what we focus on, I realized that I needed to shift myself to a more constructive line of thinking: ok, so what are these experiences teaching me about what I DO want? And from that, the more general: what do I want a man for?

It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I deliberately use the word want because if the question were about need then the answer would be simple: nothing. I mean, really, the only things that I NEED are oxygen, glucose, and Spirit, and the Vedic scriptures suggest that if I fill up enough on the latter the first two become optional. So, we’re firmly in the realm of wants and bonus delights, the proverbial icing on the caramel layer cake that is my life. And that makes the exploration less fraught, yet at the same time deeper, because it now gets to be about what I really want for me. It becomes about my own alignment and how much deliciousness I’m willing to open to and allow. Phew!

Here, in the order that they crossed my mind, are the answers that came to me:

Household DIY: I know, I know, I hear it and my feminist side is cringing right along with you. But the simple truth is that although I am smart and strong and resourceful, I haven’t spent nearly as much time thinking about home repair as I have about the implications of Obamacare. As a result, I can claim basic competency around the house–I do own a tool belt and a drill that I’m comfortable using, but that’s about it. On the other hand, most of the men that I know have lots of experience with this sort of thing. It comes more naturally to them. No, not because of their Y chromosome, but simply because they have learned and practiced the skills and techniques. So, in the grand tradition of the Strengths Finder approach I will happily hand over my hammer for projects that don’t come with clearly written instructions and/or are taller or heavier than me.

Learning: Having handed over my hammer, I will then proceed to supervise-, I mean, observe and learn as much as I can so that I can try it for myself the next time. And there are so many things that I don’t know yet, not to mention the things that I don’t even know that I don’t know yet! I want to experience as many of them as I can and often the shortest distance between here and somewhere or something new is someone.

Sex: Well, duh! Then again, not so much… I can have sex with myself, after all. And, honest moment, sex with myself is sometimes better than sex with someone else. But there’s nothing like sinking into a pair of warm arms and surrendering to the heat between you, be it for a snuggle, a snog, or a full-on shag. As my path has brought me more fully home to my experience of life in this physical body, I’m excited to share the sheer, cosmically delightful pleasure of touch, of smell, of taste…

Growth: They say that everyone who comes into your life is a mirror, reflecting lessons and insights back to you. I say that every romantic partner who comes into your life is one of those 25x, backlit magnifying mirrors that they have in the bathroom at fancy hotels. You know the ones I’m talking about: they distort the contours of your face into a lunar landscape and lure you into spending truly embarrassing amounts of time mesmerized by the contents of your pores. Well, dating is like a magnifying mirror for my consciousness. It is teaching me so much about how I see the world (did you know that there are over 250 ways to load a dishwasher? I know, right!? How crazy is it that there are people out there using 249 distinct incorrect techniques!?!). It’s also teaching me a lot about how I see myself (surprisingly, blessedly comfortable in my own value proposition; I wish I could go back and give 25 year old me a healthy dose of this self-love). And how I navigate the spaces in between myself and others (sometimes with all the grace and effectiveness of those baby pandas tumbling backwards down their jungle gym, but always with that much eagerness and good intention).

Witness: I’ve come to believe that a key element of relationships is bearing witness for each other. As I reflect on my closest connections, I feel so clearly that they are built on us being present to and for the moments in each other’s lives. Of course, I don’t expect a man who will spend two hours on the phone dissecting a single conversation like my girlfriends do. But I do want one who is willing and able to pay attention. And who is wiling and able to let me pay the same attention to him.

This probably isn’t the whole list, and I reserve the right to modify items over time. Furthermore, I realize that it’s all about me and what I want, with nothing about what I want to give. But it’s a solid start and a good reference point for me to come back to as I continue along this journey.

So, I ask you, what do you want a partner for? And how will you transform the story that you’re currently telling about it into the story of what you truly want?

Do I trust me?

You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices
-Don Miguel Ruiz

As many of you know, last year I forged bravely into the wilds of interwebs dating, charting a path towards True Love or, at least, collecting great fodder for a one-woman show. I like to think that I accomplished–am accomplishing, both. I connected with a whole range of men who I probably would not have met otherwise. And I went on many dates, dates that proved to be a ruthlessly effective exercise in learning what I want–both in a partner and in how we relate to each other–and then acting on it.

Allow me to share a few brief anecdotes and the resulting lessons:

After reviewing my online profile, one prospect emailed announcing that he was “A REAL MAN!!!” and that we needed to meet right away because we were clearly on the same page.
Lesson (well, reminder really): Any guy who feels the need to declare–in capital letters, no less–that he is a real man is destined to make some woman very happy…and I will happily step aside so that he can find her.

The next prospect, I’ll call the fisherman. The fisherman brimmed with excitement because the web site rated us very compatible. “Ninety-seven,” he crowed, “that’s a record high score!” Charmed by his enthusiasm and willingness to be delighted, I met him for dinner. And had a fun time chatting and laughing–all the while politely refusing his efforts to get me to match the (increasingly alarming) pace at which he was consuming cocktails, and then wine, and then cognac.
Lesson: Spending all of my leisure time with the sort of people who walk around barefoot and treat chairs like miniature jungle gyms has reshaped the party navigation skills that I learned in college, and I’m glad of it. As much as I enjoy savoring a good glass of wine (or, full disclosure, occasional entire bottle of champagne) together, my real thrill comes from being present to each other, as fully present as possible. So, my first date with the fisherman was also my last.

Another prospect reached out with a thoroughly charming email. Warm and witty, it was precisely the sort of message you dream of receiving when you sign up for online dating. You know, the kind that Hugh Jackman’s character’s sister would write to you on his behalf in the rom-com of your life. Then you’d meet and, disarmed by his devastating grin, you’d instantly forgive him for the charade and then proceed to fall totally, madly, deeply for him. And he’d be so pleased that his sister had ignored his protests and pushed him to get back out there that he’d sweep you up into his arms as the two of you stood at the end of the pier watching the sunset…
Wait, where was I?
Oh, yes, the emailer: I checked out his profile, liked what I saw and agreed to meet him in person. When we finally got together for brunch, he turned out to be very nice–and at least 15 years older than the man in his profile picture. This one sparked all sorts of interesting debate among my friends. The vocal majority declared it a serious red-flag, creep alert. A few thought that it didn’t matter at all. And I fell somewhere in the middle. More than anything I was curious: was he intentionally dishonest? Or did that picture truly represent how he saw himself, was it accurate in his mind’s eye? Always happy to follow my curiosity, I went out with him a few more times and eventually deduced that it was the latter. His sense of self and way of moving through the world were caught up in who he had been fifteen years ago.
Lesson: Accurate self-assessment is as essential in dating as it is in Acro. I want a partner with a clear sense of who he is and an active curiosity about who he is becoming. And after spending enough time with the emailer to satisfy my curiosity about him, I was ready to move on.

Then there was the dashing entrepreneur-endurance athlete-alpinist. Smart, thoughtful, outdoorsy, funny, and crazy handsome, this was the guy who I would have ordered from a catalog. We fell quickly into mutual fascination, he as intrigued by my amateur circus-yogini-energy worker thing as I was by his feats of derring-do. The problem, though, was that as much as we appreciated each other’s passions, they were always pulling us in different directions. Whenever I had a free weekend, I was off to a retreat or a training camp. And whenever he had free time, he was off to Patagonia to scale a glacier–or whatever you do on a glacier, I have no idea! So we spoke intensely but infrequently and saw each other even less frequently.
Lesson (and my soon to be TM’d theory of relationships): The Venn Diagram matters. Yes, I want a partner who has passions, interests, and hobbies of his own. AND, I want a partner whose passions overlap mine enough that we have some shared instincts about to spend our time. I envision the Venn Diagram of our passions looking very much like the MasterCard logo–a nice slice of overlap in the middle with lots of space left over for mutual learning and expansion. So, after a few months of occasional phone calls and whirlwind weekends, I released him back into his beloved wilderness.

All of which brings me to Don Miguel Ruiz’s beautiful words. This process has been all about deepening my understanding of what works for me–what feels good to me–of sampling, engaging, learning, and then choosing accordingly. And I believe that part of why I was able to have fun on even the most hopeless date was the fact that I kept sight of that. While I certainly wanted each of them to be a good fit, to be “Right,” I didn’t need any of them to be right because I was holding that space for myself. Confident in my own ability to discern what felt best for me, I didn’t take any of the “bad” dates personally. I laughed uproariously about some of them with girlfriends and occasionally posted barbed comments on facebook for general amusement, but each experience was part of the ongoing journey of discovery.

So, I ask you, where is life giving you the opportunity to explore new choices these days? And are you willing to trust your Self enough to decide?

Are you ready for this?

Floating. I’m floating! Body straight and engaged. Arms extended and pushing strongly from the root of my wings. Breath even. I’m floating, my only platform two pairs of hands.

It’s a singular feeling, flying a hand to hand. You–well, at least I–feel your strength and your vulnerability all at once. Physically strong enough to hold yourself upside down on your hands, on someone else’s hands. Mentally strong enough to breathe through the vulnerability of having your whole body, front and back, open to space with the ground beneath you reduced to two (sometimes moving) arms. Phew!

I’ve been flirting with hand to hand for a while now (as those of you who have been with me know), so I was particularly excited to have this experience at a workshop last weekend. The teachers were wonderful: clear, precise, thoughtful, meticulous with calibrations. They broke everything that both base and flyer must do down to the smallest units that can be explored/practiced. We spent several hours working our way up to the peak, doing any number of different exercises. Acro geek that I am, I loved every minute of it. And, of course, was thrilled when it paid off in a successful hand to hand. Not just one, but a series of them on four different bases, three of whom I had just met that day!

The day was an indisputable success, marking a quantum leap forward in my practice. And I definitely credit the skill of our teachers as well as the bases that I worked with. But here’s the thing, for all of their skill, these guys didn’t actually teach me anything new. By which I mean that I had heard everything that they said before. And all of those wonderful drills? They were all familiar to me. Every single one. In fact, I had been practicing a few of them for years– to no avail.

Which brings me to this gem that landed in my inbox a little while back:

Words do not teach at all. It is life experience that brings you your knowing. But when you hear words that are a vibrational match to the knowing you have accumulated, then sometimes it’s easier for you to sort it all out.
-Abraham Hicks

It wasn’t their words, or even their meticulously crafted progression–or, at least, not just those things. My success was just as much about me being ready to line up with what they were teaching.

The past few months, I’ve finally started to put real time and energy into training my handstand. It started with being willing to believe that I could truly do it. And then continued with focused drills, regular practice and the support of several friend-mentor-coaches. I don’t get upside down every single day, but I do more days than not. And, of course, the more I train, the more confident I become in my strength and skill. And the more success I have when I work with others.

And this got me to thinking about how this applies to life off of the mat. What’s the process for aligning ourselves with our broader knowing and wisdom? How do we train and prepare for the ongoing process of “sorting it all out” that is Life?

Well, pretty much the same way.

I think back to my 20s, a decade spent searching. I didn’t know what for specifically, but I knew that it was something and I was determined of find it–sort of. I haunted the personal growth and new age aisles at the bookstore and bought book after book after book on spirituality. And yet, I typically skipped over the meditations at the end of the chapters and dog-eared the guided journaling exercises as things to come back to later. I think I believed that if I just read enough of the right books, heard the right words enough times, I’d get it. And I would catch glimpses of that elusive “It,” but they were fleeting because, of course, life isn’t a spectator sport.

Others could offer me guidance and shine a light on the route, but I’m the only one who can walk my path. I had to be willing to believe that I was strong enough to embark on the journey of self-becoming. I had to be willing to believe that I was strong enough to breathe through the vulnerability of engaging wholeheartedly with life.

And once I adopted that mindset, I started actively participating in the exercises and seeking out experiential learning opportunities like retreats. To train for life, if you will. And, just as with handstands, each experience lined me up for more growth. And each growth experience, each expansion, increased my confidence and willingness to engage more fully with life…until I found myself in a Tennessee dance studio, doing a handstand on a stranger’s hands!

The parallels are not particularly subtle, I’ll admit, but they’re no less powerful for their lack of nuance. I still have lots to learn about both handstands and Life and I’m firmly committed to training both on and off the mat so that I’ll be ready when I meet my next teacher.

So, I ask you, what lessons and experiences do you want to line up with? And how are you training for them?

Can you get there from here?

SCENE: daytime, exterior, gas station. A woman stands at the pump, squinting as another woman draws abreast of her in a car…

Driver (rolling down window): Excuse me, Ma’am
Woman (cautiously): Yes…?
Driver: Can you tell me how to get to the King Center from here?
Woman (visibly unbending): Oh, sure! You’ll just take a right turn onto this road and follow it for about 2 miles. This road will take you right to it.
Driver: Oh, okay, thank you. You see, I had looked it up before I left home, but I got turned around.
Woman (reassuringly): You’re super close, just straight up this road. You can’t miss it!
Driver: Thank goodness, because I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to find it
Woman: Well, you’re good now. Just one turn, a few minutes of going straight, and you’ll be there
Driver: Oh, that’s good; I don’t know what happened with the directions that I had…
Woman (firmly): It’s super simple, you’ll be fine

This is a just-about verbatim transcript of a conversation that I recently had at the gas station. I went from being cautious at the approach of a strange car to relieved that I could be helpful to puzzled and vaguely frustrated by the way the conversation unfolded. Well after I had offered her simple, clear directions, she persisted in explaining why she had needed directions in the first place and rehashing the experience of getting turned around. It was fascinating! She asked. I answered. She dithered. I answered again. She justified. Back and forth, and on and on–at least, it started to feel like forever to me. I eventually felt my frustration rise, at which point I brought the conversation to a close, having offered her all that I could.

At first I was simply grateful to have escaped her.
Then, I’ll admit, I flirted with being a little bit judgy: why would she ask me for directions and then be so determined not to take them? What was that about?!
And then I started wondering, no really, what was that about…

Abraham has a name for what this woman was doing: they call it arguing for your resistance. This was a relatively mild case, but it fits the bill. This woman–as I experienced her–was so immersed in the experience of being lost that although she had asked for guidance, she didn’t seem able to receive it when it came. So caught in the vibration lost-ness, she didn’t seem to register that she was now, well, found. As the person responding to her request for directions, I found myself frustrated by the fact that she stayed in that same gear

…and asking where I might be doing the same. Because we all do it. It’s easier to recognize in others:

The crying child who continues to wail long after Mom has conceded and proffered a cookie
The frustrated colleague whose hackles stay raised well after the issue has been resolved
The angry guy who remains red-faced and clench-fisted long after the threat has passed
The baleful friend who remains unhappily employed even after being offered new work that’s a perfect fit for their skills

but we all do it. We have all been guilty of becoming so attached to our vision of the Problem that we can’t see the Solution staring us in the face.

So, for me, this encounter was a reminder to practice what Abraham calls Allowing. It reminded me how important it is to be on the lookout for solutions and then be willing to relax into them when they present themselves. Because they’re gonna come, that’s a guarantee. And rather than retelling the story of the problem or justifying our need for support, we’d do much better to be preparing for the resolution. And then to accept it when it comes.

Abraham also says,

Words do not teach at all. It is life experience that brings you your knowing. But when you hear words that are a vibrational match to the knowing that you have accumulated, then sometimes it’s easier for you to sort it all out.

Translation: that very nice woman at the gas station can give you directions until she’s blue in the face, but you won’t hear them until you’re ready to. I don’t know about you, but I want to hold myself in the energy of the knowing that I have accumulated. I want to make it easier for myself to sort things out. I want to be moving forward into the unknown with enthusiasm and excitement for what’s to come. Guidance, support, help, they’ll all show up along the way, my only real work is to be open to them when they do. The path out of the situation may be as simple as: turn right and go straight for two miles. If it is, great! Or there may be a few more steps involved. In which case, also great! Either way, our only option for moving forward is to stop telling ourselves and everyone around us that we’re lost and start following the directions.

So, I ask you, how will you ask for directions today? And what will you do to align yourself with the answer when it comes?

Happy New Year!

Always we begin again. -St Benedict

Such a beautiful teaching. When I was younger I tended to hear it spoken with resignation, though. It had a flavor of almost drudgery to it. The work of life never ends, man’s burdens are heavy, etc. But I encountered it again yesterday and felt it in a whole new way. I reflected on the new beginnings I had experienced in the past 24 hours alone:

Striding out into the early morning cold
Opening my face to the morning sun gilding the hillside
Laying on the cool, leafy earth and being warmed
Pausing and then deciding to laugh with my mother rather than bristle at her
Finding new heart space in (the confines of) Warrior I
Savoring the sweetness of Om
Saying I’m sorry
Offering Yes, I would like to go with you
Forging fresh connections within established relationships
Opening the parts of my life up to each other
Saying I love you
Breathing …

All of these things in the space of one single day! Always we begin again.

Isn’t that exciting? Take a moment to close your eyes and feel what that means: Every single moment contains a fresh start! Yes, New Moon, Solstice, and New Year are pregnant with power. Guess what, 2:17 on Tuesday is just as powerful. Any day–any moment–is our new beginning if we choose. If we let it. And if we let it, this moment will lead us to the next step and the next and the next, be it progress towards a specific goal or fuller manifestation of an intention. Opening to the possibility of each new moment will take you there, your journey unfolding with messy, magical precision.

So, I ask you, where are you Now? And how will you begin again?