Red light, Green light?

“I should have fired her then–no, actually, I shouldn’t have hired her to begin with. I knew the vibe was off, but she came so highly recommended…” She utters these words in a voice animated by a fascinating cocktail of rue, wistfulness, and frustration. Rue, because she ignored a clear signal from her gut. Wistfulness that things might have worked out anyway. And frustration because she feels backed into a corner.

“I didn’t really think it would work, but I convinced myself that it would be close enough. When it came I knew right away that the color was wrong, so wrong…” This, as she squints at the piece, hoping vainly to make it work, while slowly resigning herself to the presence of its very expensive, unreturnable wrongness in her life. She is disappointed that it didn’t work and frustrated that some part of her knew it wouldn’t work but she proceeded anyway.

“I knew it wasn’t the right presentation for the group, but I didn’t really have anything else to offer and we had to make a decision…” I mutter dispiritedly to myself as I walk out to my car after a mediocre session. I’m disappointed that the session didn’t go as well as I would have liked, concerned that it will affect the contract, and vaguely disgusted that I didn’t take action a month ago to avoid feeling this way.

We all do it. Big stuff. Small stuff. In situations of all sizes, we go with our head instead of with our gut. We spend hours thinking things through when our felt sense is already clearly pointing the way–often, a different way. And, of course, there’s a mountain of literature detailing the ways in which cultural norms and social conditioning–especially here in the West–school us out of our Intuitive selves and into our Minds. But a deeply unscientific poll of a few of my friends has revealed evidence that even those of us who are consciously cultivating our intuitive strength find situations like these challenging to navigate.

Over the past few years, I’ve gotten much better at hearing when my Intuition is telling me to do something. I’ve learned to recognize the “green light” signs: my heart chakra revs, my chest expands, and I feel something click into place deep in my belly. Whether it’s buy this house, eat this vegetable, or take advantage of this opportunity to refill your water bottle here, those signals come in loud and clear to me now.

Learning to hear when my Intuition is telling me that something would be better left undone has proved more challenging. I’ve learned the signals: chest tightness, a sinking feeling and, amusingly, grumpiness. (Of course, grumpiness has many, many causes so it’s always worth working through the hunger, thirst, fatigue algorithm before reading it as a red light.) But I’m still learning how to act on them.

And this recent confluence of events got me to wondering Why more explicitly. Why do we keep setting ourselves up for the internal I told you so?
First Hypothesis: red light signals are somehow more subtle than green light signals. A reasonable thought, but there’s nothing subtle about my grumpiness, so that can’t be it!
Second Hypothesis: I somehow less adept at sensing chest tightness than chest lightness. On some level I’d like for this one to be reasonable, but it really doesn’t make much sense. I mean, dropping in is dropping in, right?
Third Hypothesis: I sense the red light signals just as easily, I understand their meaning just as clearly, yet I am less likely to trust a red light signal and feel confident (not?) acting on it.

I believe that the third time is the charm in this case. And my sense is that what’s going on here has deep roots in my–our–relationship to the unknown:
When we do something, we can clearly see the consequences unfold. And, in the case of being led by your intuition, enjoy that process.
When we don’t do something, we can rarely know what didn’t happen as a result of what we didn’t do– what unpleasantness was avoided, perhaps even what harm was prevented. In fact, we may never know. More important, we don’t yet know what we will do, experience or have instead. That makes it very easy to doubt that something better for us will, in fact, come along. Heck, sometimes it’s hard to believe that anything else will come along! And I don’t know about you, but I find it exponentially easier to make decisions about what I can see than what I cannot. To misquote Rumsfeld (I know, whoever would have guessed that he’d make an appearance on this blog!?): I’m comfortable in the realm of knowns and getting used to known unknowns, but unknown unknowns still make my head spin!

My solution has been to play with it, testing the waters by saying Yes to small and medium-sized No’s:
leave that in-case-of-emergency snack uneaten
hold off on purchasing that plane ticket
pass on that sounds-so-great invitation to teach.
Situations in which, quite frankly, I’m comfortable that I’ll still be okay even if I’ve gotten it “wrong.” And, as you can see from the examples, those have gradually gotten bigger as I’ve learned to trust in the reliability of the red light as much as the green. And, each and every time something else has come along, from beautiful piece of fruit to a delicious long weekend at home with friends, food, and laughter. The red lights are doing as much to keep me aligned with my highest good as the green ones!

So, I ask you, what are you your body’s red light signals? And are you willing to surrender to the wisdom not this as fully as you surrender to the wisdom of this?

Can you get there from here?

SCENE: daytime, exterior, gas station. A woman stands at the pump, squinting as another woman draws abreast of her in a car…

Driver (rolling down window): Excuse me, Ma’am
Woman (cautiously): Yes…?
Driver: Can you tell me how to get to the King Center from here?
Woman (visibly unbending): Oh, sure! You’ll just take a right turn onto this road and follow it for about 2 miles. This road will take you right to it.
Driver: Oh, okay, thank you. You see, I had looked it up before I left home, but I got turned around.
Woman (reassuringly): You’re super close, just straight up this road. You can’t miss it!
Driver: Thank goodness, because I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to find it
Woman: Well, you’re good now. Just one turn, a few minutes of going straight, and you’ll be there
Driver: Oh, that’s good; I don’t know what happened with the directions that I had…
Woman (firmly): It’s super simple, you’ll be fine

This is a just-about verbatim transcript of a conversation that I recently had at the gas station. I went from being cautious at the approach of a strange car to relieved that I could be helpful to puzzled and vaguely frustrated by the way the conversation unfolded. Well after I had offered her simple, clear directions, she persisted in explaining why she had needed directions in the first place and rehashing the experience of getting turned around. It was fascinating! She asked. I answered. She dithered. I answered again. She justified. Back and forth, and on and on–at least, it started to feel like forever to me. I eventually felt my frustration rise, at which point I brought the conversation to a close, having offered her all that I could.

At first I was simply grateful to have escaped her.
Then, I’ll admit, I flirted with being a little bit judgy: why would she ask me for directions and then be so determined not to take them? What was that about?!
And then I started wondering, no really, what was that about…

Abraham has a name for what this woman was doing: they call it arguing for your resistance. This was a relatively mild case, but it fits the bill. This woman–as I experienced her–was so immersed in the experience of being lost that although she had asked for guidance, she didn’t seem able to receive it when it came. So caught in the vibration lost-ness, she didn’t seem to register that she was now, well, found. As the person responding to her request for directions, I found myself frustrated by the fact that she stayed in that same gear

…and asking where I might be doing the same. Because we all do it. It’s easier to recognize in others:

The crying child who continues to wail long after Mom has conceded and proffered a cookie
The frustrated colleague whose hackles stay raised well after the issue has been resolved
The angry guy who remains red-faced and clench-fisted long after the threat has passed
The baleful friend who remains unhappily employed even after being offered new work that’s a perfect fit for their skills

but we all do it. We have all been guilty of becoming so attached to our vision of the Problem that we can’t see the Solution staring us in the face.

So, for me, this encounter was a reminder to practice what Abraham calls Allowing. It reminded me how important it is to be on the lookout for solutions and then be willing to relax into them when they present themselves. Because they’re gonna come, that’s a guarantee. And rather than retelling the story of the problem or justifying our need for support, we’d do much better to be preparing for the resolution. And then to accept it when it comes.

Abraham also says,

Words do not teach at all. It is life experience that brings you your knowing. But when you hear words that are a vibrational match to the knowing that you have accumulated, then sometimes it’s easier for you to sort it all out.

Translation: that very nice woman at the gas station can give you directions until she’s blue in the face, but you won’t hear them until you’re ready to. I don’t know about you, but I want to hold myself in the energy of the knowing that I have accumulated. I want to make it easier for myself to sort things out. I want to be moving forward into the unknown with enthusiasm and excitement for what’s to come. Guidance, support, help, they’ll all show up along the way, my only real work is to be open to them when they do. The path out of the situation may be as simple as: turn right and go straight for two miles. If it is, great! Or there may be a few more steps involved. In which case, also great! Either way, our only option for moving forward is to stop telling ourselves and everyone around us that we’re lost and start following the directions.

So, I ask you, how will you ask for directions today? And what will you do to align yourself with the answer when it comes?