Yes, And…?

Rule #1: Say Yes

Rule #2: Not Only Say Yes… Say Yes And 

-The first two Rules of Improv as expressed by Tina Fey

I knew that Tina Fey was brilliant from her TV and film work, but reading her memoir Bossypants introduced me to a whole new level of girl crush. The book was a tremendously fun read that also offered substantial lessons. The biggest Aha! for me came when I read about these Rules. No sooner had I digested them than the lessons started smacking me in the face…

At restaurants:

Man: Hi, how are you this evening?

Me: Good, thanks, how are you?

Man: Good, good. I was staring because you remind of someone I know, you look just like her

Me, smiling: Oh, yes? You know, I get that all the time. I think I just have one of those faces!

(Man, stands awkwardly for a few beats and then wanders away…)

At parties:

Husband: Come on, join me on the dance floor

Wife: No, I don’t want to

Husband: Please? I’d really love to have you join me, and besides its a tradition.

Wife, agitated: I said I’m not doing it.

(Husband stands before her, entreatingly)

Father-in-law, unaware of what has already transpired: Won’t you join us on the dance floor, he called for all the married couples?

Wife, red-faced and strident: I said, NO!

(Husband, Father-in-law retreat; Wife sits alone and agitated)

At work:

Colleague, urgently: So, can you come to the meeting? It’d be a real coup to have an MD there.

Me, cautiously: I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you. But beyond the logistics, there’s the question of what my role will be at the meeting.

Colleague, airily: Oh, well, it’s all about their a work to standardize care, so, you know…

Me: Actually, I don’t necessarily. That’s not one of my particular areas of expertise, so I’m not sure that I have a clear role to play here

All three of these scenarios are great examples of people, mostly me, saying No. Sometimes it’s an explicit No, as in the case of me to my colleague and the wife to her husband. Other times it’s an unintentional No as in the case of me and that poor man who was, I later realized, trying to flirt with me (imagine that, a man crosses a restaurant to talk to a women because he wants to hit on her, not because he wants to talk about how much she looks like his Great Aunt Mildred!!) Either way, I realized that I had a surprising amount of No in my life. 
To be perfectly clear, I am a fan of the word No. I believe that there is tremendous power in the word No. It is a precious tool for setting boundaries and, in that capacity, a complete sentence unto itself. Check it out: No. Two letters, one period, an entire thought conveyed. You may choose to window dress it with a thank you if the situation warrants, but that No will be just fine on its own. No can be deeply empowering and, as any women’s magazine will rush to remind you, it’s a word that women often struggle to embrace. So, I’m not throwing shade at the word No or those who use it.

I am, however, casting light on the realization that for me there are at least two types of No: the healthy, boundary-setting ones and the far less healthy reflexive ones. The former are all about my personal integrity and staying aligned with what feels right for me. The latter are all about maintaining the status quo, often more specifically maintaining my current parameters and/or limitations. I’ve learned to tell the difference by how I feel:

A boundary-setting No rings in my chest and I feel my energy simultaneously open into the space and more firmly ground into the earth. It’s a really cool centering process. 

A reflexive No feels like a closing, a drawing-in of my front body and I feel my energy tense and get murky as I work to pull it in. 

And I think that’s the key. In the latter, I have to work to pull my energy in because my head and heart are running different programs; my head is running the Withdraw script, but my heart is running the Engage script, and it takes effort to override that. I’m often saying No in these situations because I’ve convinced myself that I can’t say Yes. That I don’t have the skills, the resources, the knowledge, the whatever to engage with whatever it is. The effort to drown out my heart’s wisdom on the matter takes me out of alignment with my higher wisdom and leaves me with a wicked emotional hangover.

So, inspired by the fantastic Ms. Fey, I decided to start playing life like more an improv game. What if, I challenged myself, you found a way to say Yes to everyone you meet today? Bonus Challenge Round: What if you found a way to not only say Yes, but also to say Yes And? 

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s a lot. A whole lot. And it’s all good. I cannot honestly claim that I manage to say Yes to everyone, but I’ve been saying Yes far, far more frequently:

My seatmate on the plane starts a conversation and I say Yes by holding off on my headphones and responding

My colleague asks me to participate in a meeting and I say Yes by clearly articulating how I understand my potential contributions and verifying whether that will be valuable in this particular client interaction

My friend asks for a favor and I find a way to do it, even in the midst of a four-city week

My client asks me to do the literally undoable and I say Yes by offering what we can do that will still move us towards their goal  

My partner and I hit a tender spot and I say Yes by sharing my feelings with him rather than yelling my story at him

What I have come to realize is that Yes, And is simply another face of surrendering to what is. These Rules are a brilliantly simple template for how to surrender to each other, to the reality of how other people are showing up in this moment and the reality of the space between you. They’re a powerful reminder of how important it is that we meet each other where we are. Which, to be clear, doesn’t mean giving the other person control. You’ll notice that several of those Yes examples were as much about me setting my boundaries–this is where I can comfortably meet you–as they were about saying Yes. That kind of Yes allows me to contribute while growing at a pace that works for me. Sure, it’s a challenge, but it’s scoped so that there’s a nice mix of comfort zone and stretch. And it universally strengthens the relationship, because people can feel when you’re willing to engage with them and they respond, finding their own ways to meet you in the middle. 
So, I ask you, how many people will you surrender to today? And how will you express that surrender with a Yes, And?