Deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don’t get too picky about what you mean by place. Or perfectly. -Brian Andreas
I love this one. In fact, it has become one of my inner mantras. For me, it’s the perfect blend of Buddhist equanimity, openness, playfulness, intention setting and sly wit. And it always serves me well. Or, it usually does. Earlier this week, it felt like nothing was falling into place no matter how I defined it, never mind perfectly!
Inspired by a recent read (Leigh Ann Henion’s Phenomenal, with Elizabeth Gilbert to thank for the recommendation), I had been salivating over the bioluminescent bay in Vieques. How could I not? It is literally made of two of my most favorite things: water and sparkles! I had to go. Full stop. So, we planned a quick jaunt down there–a mini-break, as the Brits call it. Four days to chill on the beach and three magic nights, each an opportunity to see the dinoflagellates strut their stuff.
It sounds like such a reasonable plan, but eight (!?!) hours into our journey down there, we began to wonder. And the wondering continued as we…
sweltered in the 90-plus degree heat of the ferry terminal for four hours, but comforted ourselves with thoughts of the lovely beachside studio that awaited us
And then arrived to find that our lodging was as sweltering as the ferry terminal (maybe warmer) and the nearest beach was, in fact, more like a place where massive, ankle-high drifts of seaweed come to die on a two foot wide stretch of sand, but comforted ourselves with the thought of using our kitchen to prepare a lovely meal
And then discovered that there were no fresh vegetables to be had in town–anywhere!–but comforted ourselves with the thought of spending the next day on the island’s other beaches
And then, on the morrow, learned that all of the car rental places were sold out so we wouldn’t be able to get to those other beaches
And then realized that we were fresh out of comforting thoughts.
We were hot, hungry, and tired.
We were disappointed.
In his book Emotional Equations, Chip Conley defines disappointment as:
Disappointment = Expectations – Reality
And expounds on Alex Michalos’ taxonomy of disappointment:
“People establish a perceived level of satisfaction based upon comparing three gaps: what you have versus what you want…what you have versus what you think other people have…and what you have versus the best experience of what you’ve ever had in the past. I would add a fourth: the gap between what you have and what you feel you deserve.”
Well, no wonder we were both disappointed! We were experiencing gaps by all four measures:
-what we wanted was a comfortably cooled (by breeze, fan, or AC–we’re not picky!), beachside delight
-what other people–in this case, several friends and family members who had been before us–had was experiences that they raved over
-what we’d had in the past had been a comfortably cooled, beachside delight
-and we sure as heck felt like we deserved it this time around after making the epic trek to get there!!
Needless to say, it felt like a particularly inauspicious start to our vacation, one compounded by the fact that our physical discomfort was a guaranteed component of the remaining days in the island. There was no hope of the air conditioning fairy visiting while we were there. And lest you think we were just being typical Americans, this was Puerto Rico, so the mercury was consistently above 90, the humidity was close behind it, and we were on the leeward side of the island, behind two walls, in a concrete block. It. Was. Hot. By any standard.
Before I go any further, I must still you that several things did, ultimately, fall into place:
the Bio Bay was literally awe-some. The water sparkled and shimmered, humming with life under a waxing eighth moon, and the dinoflagellates glowed a bright silvery-blue, turning our paddles into light sabers and our hands into shooting stars
the Blue Beach was heavenly. We found a quiet spot where a small offshore island broke the waves, creating a natural swimming pool: placid, cool water, five feet deep and well over twenty feet out.
the restaurant at a resort on the other side of the island was an oasis. We ate salad. And vegetables. And more salad. And a few more vegetables.
But during the first 24 hours, it was sometimes a stretch to believe that anything would fall into place…ever again. And, no, I will not stop being dramatic, thank you very much.
Conley recommends three strategies for working with disappointment:
1. Ratchet down your expectations–that is, letting go of what you can’t control and knowing when you’ve lost the ability to affect the outcome
2. Learn a lesson from the stock market–that is, be proactive about managing disappointments
3. Ask yourself, “In terms of my lifetime, how important is this disappointing result, and what can I learn from it?”
And I have an opinion about each:
1. Although I understand what he’s going for here, this one has never truly resonated with me. Having spent the past decade reconnecting to my optimism and sense of positive expectation, I have no interest in dialing it down. I’d rather be occasionally surprised by disappointment than perennially braced for the next blow.
2. This one is better for me, but still feels like an exercise in managing down your hopes.
3. This. This is the one for me. Context, context, context. Lesson, lesson, lesson. This is right up my alley because it’s how I make meaning.
And, I’m pleased to say that is what we both wound up doing instinctively on Day Two. Separately and then together, we got to the place of
Okay, so it’s only three days. That’s number one.
Number two, now we know. Next time we ask about how the space is cooled and how well provisioned the local grocers are. Neither of us fares well when physically uncomfortable on multiple dimensions for very long, so we plan accordingly and we take nothing for granted! And, better we learn that on a four-day trip than a four-week one!!
We also laughed. A lot. And when we couldn’t yet laugh, we comforted ourselves with the knowledge that it’ll all be hilarious a few weeks from now.
And, unexpected bonus, I got a blog post out of it!
So, I ask you, what are you experiencing as disappointment today? And, what lessons might that experience have for you?
Fierce Whisper 